zero cinq zero neuf quinze

Les visages du Réel

s'animent

d'une tangibilité

trop concrète

et me heurtent

me hurt

le ciel bleuchagrin

rayonne et éclate

sur le mur de briques

et la lave lumineuse

coule par mes yeux

en moi

et c'est une joie

et elle me fait mal aussi

Douleur, plaisir

se rejoignent, se confondent

la simplicité m'est refusée

ma faiblesse, ma force

ça se mêle aussi

je peine à les discerner

la maîtrise m'échappe

mais j'attire

je plais

il en découle donc

que cet amalgame

incongru et atypique

a de la valeur

de par sa rareté

et pour sa capacité

prismatique

de capter et de refléter

toute la gamme

des couleurs

* *

des mots qui envahissent mon esprit, me demandant d'être écrits, sans cesse:

"Jalons obstrués

orifices barricadés

l'irriguation des morsures

soupapes empressées

suivent au pas

la portée de l'entrain"

silly overheated brain nonsense

oh to have in the Now

you for company

and you as the center and focus

of the rest of this day

I am not fatalistic

I am accepting

but now comes a wave

my body-organism

conspiring against me

an effort to turn

my thoughts topsy-turvy

I am helpless in this stream

but I can hold my breath

and not drink the liquid

of these stygian waters

floating in a sea 

of ill black Humours

I have visions

of all these things

which I must now let go of...

this profound soul-ally who now grasps at the purse-strings

close-knit unit which we constituted, complete partnership which she chose to dissolve

family life which I did not fully chose but which I accepted and embraced and was able to benefit from

it's all going away from me now

the irony of getting the solitude

I've been wanting

the space to be myself

for myself

not for others

strange sorrow for all those days being a husband and a father, miserable but never completely all the time and not because of them because of the situation which I didn't fight against and not standing up for myself and keeping quiet and complying and serving and obeying and agreeing and following and helping and rubbing my brain with sandpaper

maybe I wanted out

maybe I wanted out of this

maybe all I wanted was to be alone

hurt to the bone that my wife

just saw how my despair

contributed to hers until

anyway I don't know what she felt or why

but she ended us

and now wants to go

far away with them

saying I can follow if I want

but all I want is to be left alone

free to be

free to be with others

free to love

free from the slavery

free to be who I want to be and not be responsible for someone else's salvation or despair

I love

probably too much

and this is all coming out wrong

but I don't deserve what I've been living for the past decade and a half... I want and need to grasp at something else

I'm crying again for all the lost purity of being in the warm proximity of my children but now I will have to do without

crying at the corruption and downright destruction of certain ideas and ideals and also at the broken hopes of a foolish young man who thought love could make everything turn out for the best

now I love but it pulls me

away from them

and I will not resist

I will fight for it even

I want this

I deserve this

I want this for myself

(crying again)

passionate love

crying too much

I would not have chosen this but by the beard on my face I will not let this chance go to waste.

Let them hate me, scorn me, deride me, curse me, misconstrue my intentions and my actions... they will not stop me.  But I will weep.