3 décembre 2009

Films vus -- Retenances

[Extrait de dialogue tiré du dernier film de Jim Jarmusch, The Limits of Control]



- How the fuck did you get in here?
- I used my imagination.
- Is this your twisted idea of revenge for something?
- No. Revenge is useless.
- Addington! Security! God damn it!

[pause]

What is your fucking agenda here?

[pause]

You people don't understand a fucking thing about how the world really works.

- I understand. But I understand subjectively.
- That's fucking nonsense. Your sick minds have been polluted with crap. Your music, movies, science. Fucking bohemians on hallucinogenic drugs. All that shit has poisoned you. And it has nothing to do with the real world. And I suppose you believe that by eliminating me, you will eliminate control over some fucking artificial reality.
- Reality is arbitrary.
- Fuck you.

30 novembre 2009

I've got the Fear

http://ampedstatus.com/the-critical-unraveling-of-us-society

Cet article et (surtout) les commentaires, ont de quoi m'effrayer, pour plusieurs raisons et à plusieurs niveaux.

Si jamais j'ai encore des lecteurs, et que vous allez lire ça, je serais reconnaissant d'avoir vos impressions là-dessus.

Novembre 2009 / Anecdote de bureau

Aujourd'hui un type qui m'est d'habitude assez sympathique m'a vu rentrer au bureau, et ne pas m'enduire les mains de Purell-machin.

- Tu te désinfectes pas les mains en arrivant?, m'a-t-il demandé, incrédule, alors qu'il se les frottait comme un savant fou.
- Baf... j'ai dit, complètement épuisé et pas en état de jaser avec quiconque.
- Ah, c'est ça, tu répands la pandémie puis tu pars en congé de paternité... c'est fin. Tu viendras me voir avant de partir pour ton congé, j'vais avoir un cadeau pour toi...

Je ne lui ai même pas demandé d'élaborer, n'ai même pas poussé pour voir de quelle espèce de plaisanterie (?) il s'agissait, j'ai punché beep-beep avec ma carte de poinçon, et je lui demandé comment il allait. "Bien," il a dit, avec une drôle d'expression, ne sachant probablement pas comment interpréter ce changement de sujet abrupte et socialement malhabile.

Une chance qu'on est pas tombé sur le sujet de la vaccination.

24 novembre 2009

Dodgem Logic

"Off in the unpacked suitcase of the night there’s Doppler sirens skittering like beads of panicked mercury through dark and distant plasterboarded streets, maybe a hammering an overdose a tower-block fire, electric curlew voices shrilling at the gloom pretending that there’s something to be done meanwhile somewhere a disembodied twelve-year old romantic courts that wafer-thin girl in his year by sending links to sites that specialise in anal object-rape as touching as a single rose ah bless, bless all the land-ice and the holiday chalets as they go slithering in a quaint avalanche down to the pirate-haunted seas bless all the City bonus-monkeys on their island fenced by gold barbed wire shrieking and wiping their distended purple baboon arses with your repossession notice bless every star-studded spearmint-breathing AIDS evangelist in Africa for handing out engagement rings instead of condoms bless all genocidal former victims of attempted genocide when after all it’s only fair that they should get a turn bless every last Creationist and Jihad-jockey for making their deities appear to be such likeable intelligent and reasonable blokes and while you’re at it bless the Hitler Youth for giving us a Pope with warm and kindly eyes bless all the climate-change deniers on the Exxon payroll and the jazz trombone born on a sewage-torrent through downtown New Orleans bless the toxic mortgage property tycoons of Baltimore for leaving us all stranded in a subplot of The Wire and oh yeah bless reality TV for making round-the-clock surveillance seem like something normal seem like such a sexy proposition bless the government who based our target-oriented health and education systems on the Charlie-don’t-surf gook-kill policies that served America so well during that war in Viet Nam where they came second bless us all for letting culture slip so far around the S-bend before anybody thought to make a grab for it bless us for not making a fuss at the dismantling of the Working Class bless everyone who thought it was a good idea to bring up the next generation in a pastel-tinted Tellytubby abattoir bless the torn unintelligible map we stand on because seriously how the fuck are we supposed to live like this how are we meant to sleep on mattresses stuffed with discarded pensioners how is it that we have to chose electorally between a smirking cartoon toff or a bipolar cyclops and whoever said we had to go along with spending our one go-round on the painted horses of this world in doing something that we don’t like and we don’t find meaningful in order to secure a comfortable and happy future which looks more unlikely to arrive with each new headline every passing moment I mean frankly if our all-but unelected leaders are entitled to bail out white collar bank-robbers by crippling us and our unborn kids with debt for generations then I don’t know maybe I’ve completely misconstrued the situation but I would have thought they should be doing something really lovely for us in return like giving us all personalised hovercrafts made out of diamonds isn’t that the give-and-take way these things usually work unless you’re trying to negotiate a give-and-take relationship with tapeworms but I see I’ve answered my own question yeah okay so I suppose that if we really don’t have anything resembling a useful government then we should work at governing ourselves and personally taking care of all the things we care about as its becoming painfully apparent that neither the Smurfs or Iron Man will come along to take care of them for us who knows we might even find we’re having fun and it’s hard to imagine how we could do a worse job or even how a Petri dish of syphilis could do a worse job for that matter so wake up and smell the fairground ozone have a candyfloss and hook a duck welcome to Dodgem Logic."

-- Introduction d'Alan Moore pour le nouveau 'zine dont il est l'instigateur

J'espère être capable de me procurer ça ici.

30 octobre 2009

London Orbital

... c'est le titre du livre que j'ai commencé hier, écrit par Iain Sinclair, considéré par plusieurs comme un des plus grands écrivains anglais de notre époque. Ça faisait longtemps que je voulais le lire. Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Peter Ackroyd, JG Ballard, Michael Moorcock reconnaissent avoir une grande admiration pour lui. C'est un peu lui qui a transmis le concept de psycho-géographie à Moore et Ackroyd.

Ça parle de l'autoroute M25 qui encercle la ville de Londres, et qu'il a décidé de parcourir à pied pour tenter d'en comprendre (ou du moins d'en assimiler) la substance, l'essence. À date j'aime beaucoup.

Un passage, où il parle de ces petites "villes" commerciales qui poussent dans les périphéries, là où on ne se rend qu'en voiture.

"Planet Retail. Satellite Ikea. These off-highway zones [...] set up their own impenetrable micro-geographies; traffic islands, loops, dead ends that mimicked the motorway system. [...] a destination for those who have no good reason to travel. [...] Once you've been there, in the silence, the aftershock of travel, when the skin of the car stops vibrating, you learn the awful secret: there is no there. The question remains: 'How many compulsory purchases do I have to make to get out?'"

9 octobre 2009

Lecture

Texte récent de Noam Chomsky qui m'a fait l'effet d'une intense coulée de lave entre les deux oreilles: http://www.chomsky.info/articles/200909--.htm. C'est un long texte mais il en vaut complètement la "peine".

Deux pensées par rapport au texte:

- l'ironie du fait qu'Orwell ait prédit le pire en réaction au Communisme (ou au Fascisme en général), alors qu'en fait c'est le Capitalisme qui a réalisé ses pires craintes (et plus!!! il ne pouvait pas imaginer que Big Brother pourrait avoir le pouvoir de mettre la planète elle-même en péril...)

- la pertinence des propos de Chomsky et --- très important --- de ce qu'il avance ou rapporte comme solutions potentielles (solutions qui seraient dans le domaine du possible, si ce n'était de la mainséance totalitarienne des grandes corporations, ce qu'il appelle le "sénat virtuel" des nations)

29 septembre 2009

Poetic [...] Pragmatic

Agonizing drip-drop of thick syrupy Time,
IV poison which thrives under the bright Neon Overlords.
Master of nothing I see,
laying claim only to a handful of
ingrained burrowing slivers
that pierce the Mind-Bubble,
nagging, necessary crutches
that I am loathe to abandon.

[...]

How and where to find the energy for Work
when I don't really even want to Live?

24 septembre 2009

Lectures [Retenances]

"Everything a father does becomes a lesson."

-- Tirée de Salamander (2001), de Thomas Wharton

22 septembre 2009

Lectures [Retenances]

"America is no place for an artist: to be an artist is to be a moral leper, an economic misfit, a social liability. A corn-fed hog enjoys a better life than a creative writer, painter, or musician. To be a rabbit is better still."



"A wonderful world we might have made of this new continent if we had really run out on our fellow-men in Europe, Asia and Africa. A brave, new world it might have become, had we had the courage to turn our back on the old, to build afresh, to eradicate the poisons which had accumulated through centuries of bitter rivalry, jealousy and strife.

A new world is not made simply by trying to forget the old. A new world is made with a new spirit, with new values. Our world may have begun that way, but today it is caricatural. Our world is a world of things. It is made up of comforts and luxuries, or else the desire of them. What we dread most, in facing the impending débâcle, is that we shall be obliged to give up our gewgaws, our gadgets, all the little comforts that have made us so uncomfortable. There is nothing brave, chivalrous, heroic or magnanimous about our attitude. We are not peaceful souls; we are smug, timid, queasy and quaky."



"We are accustomed to think of ourselves as an emancipated people; we say that we are democratic, liberty-loving, free of prejudice and hatred….Actually we are a vulgar, pushing mob whose passions are easily mobilized by demagogues, newspaper men, religious quacks, agitators and such like. To call this a society of free peoples is blasphemous. What have we to offer the world beside the superabundant loot which we recklessly plunder from the earth under the maniacal delusion that this insane activity represents progress and enlightenment? The land of opportunity has become the land of senseless sweat and struggle. The goal of all our striving has long been forgotten."



"I had the misfortune to be nourished by the dreams and visions of Great Americans – the poets and the seers. Some other breed of men has won out. The world which is in the making fills me with dread. … It is a world suited for monomaniacs obsessed with the idea of progress – but a false progress, a progress that stinks. It is a world cluttered with useless objects which men and women, in order to be exploited and degraded, are taught to regard as useful. The dreamer whose dreams are non-utilitarian has no place in the world. Whatever does not lend itself to being bought and sold, whether in the realm of things, ideas, principles, dreams or hopes, is debarred. In this world the poet is anathema, the thinker is a fool, the artist the escapist, the man of vision a criminal."



"We are not only as ignorant, as superstitious, as vicious in our conduct as the 'ignorant, bloodthirsty savages' whom we dispossessed and annihilated upon arriving here ― we are worse than they by far. We have degenerated; we have degraded the life which we sought to establish on this continent. The most productive nation in the world, yet unable to properly feed, clothe and shelter over a third of its population. Vast areas of valuable soil turning to waste land because of neglect, indifference, greed and vandalism. Torn some eighty years ago by the bloodiest civil war in history of man and yet to this day unable to convince the defeated section of our country of the righteousness of our cause nor able, as liberators and emancipators of the slaves, to give them true freedom and equality, but instead enslaving and degrading our own white brothers. Yes, the industrial North defeated the aristocratic South ― the fruits of that victory are now apparent. Wherever there is industry there is ugliness, misery, oppression, gloom and despair. The banks which grew rich by piously teaching us to save, in order to swindle us with our own money, now beg us not to bring our savings to them, threatening to wipe out even that ridiculous interest rate they now offer should we disregard their advice. Three-quarters of the world's gold lies buried in Kentucky. Inventions which would throw millions more our of work, since by the queer irony of our system every potential boon to the human race is converted into an evil, lie idle on the shelves of the patent office or are bought up and destroyed by the powers that control our destiny. The land, thinly populated and producing in wasteful, haphazard way enormous surpluses of every kind, is deemed by its owners, a mere handful of men, unable to accommodate not only the starving millions of Europe but our own starving hordes."



"When you know what men are capable of you marvel neither at their sublimity nor their baseness. There are no limits in either direction apparently."



"When the beautiful French Quarter is no more, when every link with the past is destroyed, there will be the clean, sterile office buildings, the hideous monuments and public buildings, the oil wells, the smokestacks, the airports, the jails, the lunatic asylums, the charity hospitals, the bread-lines, the grey shacks of the coloured people, the bright tin lizzies, the stream-lined trains, the tinned food products, the drug stores, the neon-lit shop windows to inspire the artist to paint. Or, what is more likely, persuade him to commit suicide. [...] When a noted dentist has the audacity to say that for the working man teeth ― one's own teeth ― are an economic luxury, what are we coming to? Soon the physicians and surgeons will be saying: 'Why try to preserve life when there is nothing to live for?' Soon, out of sheer human kindness, they will be banding together to form a euthanasia society to do away with all those who are unfit for the terrors of modern life. The battlefield, together with the industrial field, will provide them with all the patients they can handle. The artist, like the Indian, may become the ward of the government; he may be allowed to putter around in desultory fashion simply because, as with the Indian, we have not the heart to kill him outright. Or perhaps only after he has performed 'useful service' to society will he be permitted to practise his art. It seems to me we are coming to some such impasse. Only the work of dead men seems to have any appeal for us, or any value. The wealthy can always be induced to support another museum; the academies can always be counted upon to provide us with watch-dogs and hyenas; the critics can always be bought who will kill what is fresh and vital; the educators can always be rallied who will misinform the young as to the meaning of art; the vandals can always be instigated to destroy what is powerful and disturbing. The poor can think of nothing but food and rent problems; the rich can amuse themselves by collecting safe investments furnished them by the ghouls who traffic in the sweat and blood of artists; the middle classes pay admission to gape and criticize, vain about their half-baked knowledge of art and too timid to champion the men whom in their hearts they fear, knowing that the real enemy is not the man above, whom they must toady to, but the rebel who exposed in word or paint the rottenness of the edifice which they, spineless middle class, are obliged to support. The only artists at present who are being handsomely rewarded for their toil are the mountebanks; these include not only the imported variety but the native sons who are skilled in raising a cloud of dust when real issues are at stake."



"But the American white man (not to speak of the Indian, the negro, the Mexican) hasn't a ghost of a chance. If he has any talent he's doomed to have it crushed one way or another. The American way is to seduce a man by bribery and make a prostitute out of him. Or else to ignore him, starve him into submission and make a hack out of him. It isn't the oceans which cut us off from the world ― it's the American way of looking at things. Nothing comes to fruition here except utilitarian projects. You can ride for thousands of miles and be utterly unaware of the existence of the world of art. You will learn all about beer, condensed milk, rubber goods, canned food, inflated mattresses, etc., but you will never see or hear anything concerning the masterpieces of art. To me it seems nothing less than miraculous that the young men of America ever hear of such names as Picasso, Céline, Giono and such like. He has to fight like the devil to see their work, and how can he, when he comes face to face with the work of the European masters, how can he know or understand what produced it? What relation has it to him? If he is a sensitive being, by the time he comes in contact with the mature work of the Europeans, he is already half-crazed. Most of the young men of talent whom I have met in this country give one the impression of being somewhat demented. Why shouldn't they? They are living amidst spiritual gorillas, living with food and drink maniacs, success-mongers, gadget innovators, publicity hounds. God, if I were a young man today, if I were faced with a world such as we have created, I would blow my brains out. Or perhaps, like Socrates, I would walk into the market place and spill my seed on the ground. I would certainly never think to write a book or paint a picture or compose a piece of music. For whom? Who besides a handful of desperate souls can recognize a work of art? What can you do with yourself if your life is dedicated to beauty? Do you want to face the prospects of spending the rest of your life in a strait-jacket?

Go West, young man! they used to say. Today we have to say: Shoot yourself, young man, there is no hope for you."



[À propos d'un "Sunday comic sheet" s'étant retrouvé dans le Grand Canyon:]

"There it lay, carelessly tossed aside by an indifferent reader, the least wind ready to lift it aloft and blow it to extinction. Behind this gaudy-coloured sheet, requiring for its creation the energies of countless men, the varied resources of Nature, the feeble desires of over-fed children, lay the whole story of the culmination of our Western civilization. Between the funny sheet, a battleship, a dynamo, a radio broadcasting station it is hard for me to make any distinction of value. They are all on the same place, all manifestations of restless, uncontrolled energy, of impermanency, of death and dissolution. […] No exaltation, no fervour, no zeal ― except to increase business, facilitate transportation, enlarge the domain of ruthless exploitation. The result? A swiftly decaying people, almost a third of them pauperized, the more intelligent and affluent ones practising race-suicide, the under-dogs becoming more and more unruly, more criminal-minded, more degenerate and degraded in every way. A handful of reckless ambitious politicians trying to convince the mob that this is the last refuge of civilization, God save the mark!"

24 août 2009

Desséché [Le Partage est Mort]

À force de me faire répondre
par le silence
j'en suis arrivé
moi aussi
à ne plus avoir que ça
à offrir.

11 août 2009

Deux exemples...

... qui plaident en faveur du postulat selon lequel on vit déjà dans une variété de "police state" (aux USA, du moins, et par extension ici aussi):

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/08/10/in-america-it-is-inc.html

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/08/10/ny-police-use-trick.html

Ça me fait penser au rêve de John Smith dans The New World: “We shall make a new start. Here there is good ground for all and no cost but one's labor. We shall build a true commonwealth, hard work and self-reliance our virtues. We shall have no landlords to rack us with high rents or extort the fruit of our labor. No man should stand above any other but all live under the same law. None shall eat up carelessly what his friends got worthily or steal away that which virtue has stored up. Men shall not make each other their spoil.
* * *
Une éllipse qui à mon sens n'est pas sans avoir un lien avec tout ça, un extrait d'entrevue avec Phil Elverum, le gars derrière le groupe Mount Eerie. Voici ce qu'il dit à propos de la région d'où il vient (Anacortes, dans l'état de Washington), en rapport avec la série Twin Peaks:

"Twin Peaks is all over the album. How does the television series fit into this project?

Well [pause] I like that show a lot. When it was on TV, I was [pause] 12, I think? Not quite old enough to stay up and watch it, but old enough to be aware of its existence and to see a few episodes. It really marked me. Living in a place that looked just like the TV show, it kind of I guess informed my own romantic view of the creepiness in the woods. Which has stayed with me and I guess become part of my whole aesthetic that I try to create, this idea of a dark presence in nature. For some reason that's interesting and beautiful to me. Also, when I'm traveling the world, that TV show is semi-popular. It's got a cult following everywhere. And being in some place like Poland and having someone say, "Oh yeah that place you're from, Anacortes, WA, is that near Twin Peaks?" [laughs] and just really loving that reference. It's a form of patriotism I think.

There's a long tradition of Washington being represented with this kind of darkness, artistically.

What else is in that tradition do you think? Do you mean
Nirvana?

I think Nirvana definitely. A lot of the music produced from that part of the country has this tinge of sadness to it.

There is darkness up here. Not only physical darkness. I think it has--in some places at least--something to do with the fact that the cities and towns that are here are so relatively young. The most relatively young in the world actually. And then the native cultures that were here are kind of just swept under the rug, but they're still visible. You can tell something bad happened here. There were these thriving cities of native people here a hundred years ago, and now? Now there's a
Costco and this unacknowledged darkness."

22 mai 2009

Ce matin, dans l'autobus, je suis arrivé (presque par hasard) à contempler une vaste vision, abstraite et transparente, des Constructions Humaines et de leur rôle dans la survie de l'espèce.

Toutes ces Constructions, parfois légitimes parfois cruelles, parfois lucides parfois menteuses, qui font en sorte que des individus sont capables d'oublier le Néant Primordial, cette Vérité Terrible: l'Univers est aussi indifférent qu'infini, et nous ne sommes que des morceaux de viandes accidentellement animés par la Vie.

Que l'on se dévoue à la Religion ou à l'Art, à la Philosophie ou bien à l'Histoire, à la Vie Familiale ou Politique, tout ça n'est que Diversion. Des moyens variés pour intensifier son existence absurde et — par le fait même — atténuer la douleur du Vide. Et ce, qu'on en soit conscient ou pas.

Ceux qui se suicident, ou qui se métamorphosent en des créatures tordues et corrompues par l'amertume, seraient donc ceux qui n'arrivent pas à maintenir ou à se trouver une Construction qui leur convient.

(La pensée n'est pas nouvelle, bien évidemment, ni pour moi ni pour l'humanité en générale, mais c'est une toute autre expérience que de ressentir et d'être habité par un concept plutôt que de tout simplement l'assimiler de façon théorique.)

12 mai 2009

Little Incantation...

[... for a life that eventually miscarried]

Dear little Peanut, I hope that you live. May you win this first fight, hold on with all your might, and make it through. If you do, you'll become an amazingly aware little person, having been stoked by this early struggle into a recognition (and, consequently, appreciation) of the preciousness of Ease, the worthiness of Peace.

You've already got a Mother that loves you, and a Father that (although not being much of anything) does too.

Hope to see you soon, little Peanut.

--- April 14th, 2009

2 mai 2009

Leçon

Ce n'est pas à écrire qu'il fallait m'apprendre, mais à parler.

25 mars 2009

Petite jubilation

Beirut au Métropolis le 11 juillet prochain. J'ai mon billet.


Beirut -- St. Apollonia

11 mars 2009

Stream-of-unconsciousness self-absorption

[All of this was just under the surface of things, this morning, and then was brought up by a single insignificant detail which probably has no meaning at all, but which acted as the catalyst for a whole de-pression of my Being. In English, for obvious reasons.]

Ah, here it comes, I've been avoiding it for a while but now it's here. A sinking feeling, with a slight tinge of panic. Yesterday it was a vague desire for travel, today it's a sharp need to escape. I'm alone because I've failed to establish any kind of connection; those I thought were friends turn out to be fellow inmates for whom I cease to exist the minute we stop sharing the same cell. My willingness to overcome my own ingrained introversion is irrelevant; my painful efforts are acknowledged but apparently not appreciated accordingly. I am listened to, as a courtesy, any time I speak, but I do not speak loud enough to be heard. Because I have no desire to proclaim or to convince, anything I say is brushed away, does not register, or simply goes unnoticed.

Consequently, what I really am is not important to anyone, only what I represent (son, brother, husband, father, colleague), and what I bring (self-reflection, comfort, support, companionship).

It's all my fault, of course. Or, rather, it would have been in my power to make it otherwise. I chose not to, and I choose to maintain that choice, resolutely. Because of shyness. Because of humility. Because I am easily made anxious. Because I've an instinctive comprehension of the agression implied anytime anybody tries to convince anybody of anything.

It's been so long since I've felt at peace, at home, at ease. My confusion has grown so pervasive, I can never completely put it to sleep anymore. Hence, my inability to express what I need, or why I need it, sometimes even to myself. Hence, a state of mind which has evolved from chronic day-dreaming to full-blown lunacy, from a general tendency to a generalized handicap.

If only I could tell everybody how little I believe in anything (and --- most importantly --- how little I need from anyone), then maybe they could realize how special my love for them is, and how unlikely it was that I would become the relatively stable and normally adapted individual that I am.

Nothing has meaning, except escape. Everything I have ever loved or felt drawn to, is now no more than an occasional and secondary diversion. Is it any wonder then that I'm always filled with Death- (not Life-) Energy? Is it any wonder that everything inside me crumbles, is blown away, or shatters? Is it any wonder that all the ropes from all the bridges which connect me to People and Things are frayed or already snapped?

On a good day, everything is easy, stimulating, and meaningful. On bad days, everything is a hollow struggle, and I have to trick or bribe myself into doing anything at all.

What a way to live.

Breathe out.

10 mars 2009

[10 mars 2009, 9:55]

Une bulle qui monte, atteint la surface de ma Pensée. Je l'écris:

Le désir (la tentation est forte d'employer le mot "besoin") de partir, de s'engager dans un pélerinage dont la nature exacte est sans importance, en autant que le voyage qui en résulte soit complet, véritable.

Se plonger dans la Saison printanière, lui faire la cours, pour éventuellement courtiser et séduire la Saison estivale. Se forcer à parcourir soi-même chaque millimètre de la géographie que l'on parcourt; s'atteler et regarder passer chaque seconde à la loupe, aussi pénible que ça puisse parfois devenir, car si on ne goûte pas, si on ne savoure pas, il ne reste que la digestion, la survie, et ce n'est pas assez.

Je ferme les yeux, respire, et puis avale la bulle afin qu'elle ne me hante pas trop longtemps.

11 février 2009

Réflexions en orbite autour de l’idée de mon oncle mort

Il y a de ces suicides timides qui s’étirent sur des années.

Une hostilité à peine camouflée dans les yeux; je me suis vu dans une surface réflective aujourd’hui, et j’ai entrevu ses traits dans les miens, et c’est cette hostilité qui se dégageait de mon visage qui me faisait lui ressembler.

C’était le plus révolté de la famille, le plus mésadapté, se disant artiste dans l’âme et indifférent à tout. Il était doux et enragé, simultanément. Étrangement, je trouve aujourd’hui que je semble avoir hérité plusieurs choses de lui; prédispositions génétiques ou comportements acquis?

10 février 2009

Constatation étonnée

C’est paradoxalement les soirs de semaine où j’ose le plus me laisser aller, m’éloigner le plus de la croûte terrestre, sachant que si ça me maganne assez pour que je m’en ressente le lendemain, ça ne gâchera qu’une journée de job, pas une journée de vie.

Compréhension subite

[Ma Compagne] et moi ne nous inquiétons pas indument de voir l’autre s’enduire du lustre de l’Ivresse, car --- avec les parents que l’on a eu --- nous savons de quoi a l’air quelqu’un qui se détruit.

Une compréhension mutuelle menant à cette confiance durable qui y est pour beaucoup dans notre relation.

6 février 2009

Hoquet de Février

you sneeze and suddenly you feel like a
worthless and insignificant piece of shit,
blown up, blown away, or blown to pieces
according to the whims
of some cold inanimate Wind
who would like nothing better
than to make an ice sculpture
out of you.

8 janvier 2009

Title: Title: Title: Title: Title: Title: Title: Title:

Sur le point d'aller me coucher. Sentiment noué en quelque part dans la poitrine, juste un peu au-dessus de mes brûlements d'estomac. Une anxiété sans nom, sans cause. Et je n'aurai même pas le loisir de me laisser aller à une insomnie pleine de romance et de douleur, parce que comme chaque soir je vais m'endormir après quelques minutes sur l'oreiller. Ce que je crains, c'est que cette chose qui m'habite en ce moment, que j'ai commencé à sentir vers 18h et qui n'est n'a pas arrêté de grandir, empoisonne ma nuit et transforme mon Demain en une horreur béante.

Ça fait longtemps que je le sens, et ça fait même un bout de temps que je l'écris; en ce moment je pense que ça y est: je touche à la Brisure.

Je ne sais pas pourquoi, je suis venu m'asseoir devant l'ordinateur pour écrire quelque chose, et instinctivement c'est ici que j'ai décider de tout mettre. Pourtant, il n'y a ici aucun échange, aucun partage, aucune communion, rien. Juste le potentiel (ou l'illusion) de tout ça, dormant.

Délire. Je le sais, je le sais. Je délire. Tant pis. Me voici me voilà.

Ça suffit. À plus tard.